<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>The Concept of March by Str4y</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22962610">The Concept of March</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Str4y/pseuds/Str4y'>Str4y</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Home [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Stray Kids (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Ambiguous/Open Ending, Anal Sex, Angst, Dialogue Heavy, Fluff, Heavy Angst, Hospitals, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Oral Sex, Sad and Happy, Sequel, Smut, Suicidal Thoughts, hyunchan, minsung - Freeform</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 10:29:05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>10,588</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22962610</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Str4y/pseuds/Str4y</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Hyunjin met Chan on March 25. March meant a lot to Hyunjin. Hyunjin wanted to die but maybe Chan didn’t. Were they perfect for each other? </p><p> </p><p>March meant a lot to Jisung too. Minho was a good thing. Right? Jisung really likes Minho, maybe even loved him. Were they perfect for each other?</p><p> </p><p>Conclusion to Home series. March/Concept</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Bang Chan/Hwang Hyunjin, Han Jisung | Han/Lee Minho | Lee Know</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Home [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1433794</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>32</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>193</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Concept of March</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Another series over. If you haven’t read March or Concept this might be a little weird to read on it’s own. This is the conclusion to those two stories which take place in the same universe. </p><p>Not too much to say other than read the tags and I hope I don’t disappoint at all. It might not be the ending you wanted but...it’s here and this is how it is.</p><p> </p><p>As always please let me know if I missed any tags. This series meant a lot to me so I hope it doesn’t disappoint anyone in its end. Thank you 💛✨</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Chan cared about Hyunjin. He knew he did. It wasn’t some fake trickster act. He liked Hyunjin a lot. He did a lot of stupid shit just to get his attention. Wrong, yeah, very wrong how he got that attention. But he cared about him. He might have even loved him, he wasn’t sure. </p><p> </p><p>Chan didn’t know what he was feeling as he sat in the waiting room with Changbin. His hands were shaking. Why hadn’t Hyunjin messaged him? Why hadn’t Hyunjin called? Because of his exam? Chan would have dropped his test for Hyunjin. Why didn’t he call him!? </p><p> </p><p>Changbin’s hands clasped over Chan’s, deep sigh leaving his roommates lips, “they won’t say much but...I have a feeling he’s gonna be fine, Chan.” It felt like a lie. </p><p> </p><p>It was weird. Chan was so numb. The possibility of Hyunjin not waking up hadn’t crossed his mind. He just assumed it was a mistake. A mess up. Hyunjin obviously didn’t want to die...right? He didn’t want to kill himself anymore. Chan thought they’d gotten through that. Was he wrong?</p><p> </p><p>“What happened!?” Chan looked up from Changbin, Jisung’s panicked face bringing a little more reality to the situation, “is he okay!?” Jisung was so shaken. He was full of worry and clearly he was reacting very differently to the news. </p><p> </p><p>“They won’t tell me much. His family can’t even make it…” changbin shook his head. Maybe even he was showing more reaction than Chan, “They won’t tell us anything more.”</p><p> </p><p>“What the fuck did they tell you!?” Jisungs bottom lip was quivering, “I need to see him who do I—“</p><p> </p><p>“Jisung...calm down.” Minho was there too? Chan hadn’t noticed, “let’s just go ask the front desk, okay? I’m sure he’s—“</p><p> </p><p>“He’s not fine. People who are fine don’t overdose.” Jisung spat back, immediately shaking his head in apology to Minho who clearly didn’t take much offense at all, “I’m sorry. I just—“</p><p> </p><p>“It’s okay. Let’s go ask, okay?” Minho grabbed Jisung’s hand, tugging him towards the desk that wouldn’t give them much more info anyways. Jisung being Hyunjin’s roommate probably wasn’t enough to get more information on his condition. </p><p> </p><p>Fuck. </p><p> </p><p>Chan settled back into his seat, face blank. Feelings void. He didn’t know what he was feeling and he hated it. He knew he was shocked. He’d been shocked ever since he heard. The only reason Changbin knew about Hyunjin was because he left his laptop at the dorm. The dorm Hyunjin had stayed the night prior. </p><p> </p><p>Changbin found Hyunjin. He told Chan that he found him slumped against the wall at Chan’s bed. Changbin usually would have left him alone but apparently...he didn’t look okay. Thankfully Changbin had checked on him, noticed he wasn’t fucking breathing. </p><p> </p><p>Chan tensed at the sounds people made around him, some seemed happy. Others were crying. It was a waiting room at a fucking hospital, of course that was how it was. So much emotion yet Chan couldn’t find any. He was so apathetic, but he cared. He fucking did. He hated that he couldn’t feel it. Couldn’t feel that agony, it was just so empty. It was unfair. </p><p> </p><p>“Do you think he’s gonna make it?” Chan wasn’t sure why those were the first words from his lips. Why the fuck would he ever bring that up? </p><p> </p><p>“He wasn’t breathing when I was with him but...they managed to get to him. I don’t know Chan, he was…” Chan didn’t want to hear it. “He was gone a long time.”</p><p> </p><p>“So that feeling you had...you don’t think he’s gonna wake up, do you?” Chan bit his lip, hand running through his matted white curls as he released the tiniest sign of disbelief, “Jesus Christ.”</p><p> </p><p>“I do. He will.” Changbins words were too shaky to believe. </p><p> </p><p>“Did he do this because of me?”</p><p> </p><p>Changbin shook his head, squeezing Chan’s hands, “absolutely not. I know this wasn’t your fault. Don’t even think that.”</p><p> </p><p>“So why would he…?” Chan whispered, “he didn’t even call me.”</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t know. I just know this isn’t on you, Chan. You’ve been good to him, right? You haven’t done anything?”</p><p> </p><p>Chan just shook his head. </p><p> </p><p>“Don’t blame yourself then, please.” Changbin huffed as Jisung and Minho came back to them. </p><p> </p><p>Jisung was shaky. Really shaky. </p><p> </p><p>“They won’t let me see him. He needs someone there, right? His parents can’t even come he’s alone and—“</p><p> </p><p>“Calm down,” Minho soothed, rubbing Jisungs shoulders. </p><p> </p><p>Chan shouldn’t have been thinking about anything other than Hyunjin at that moment, but he couldn’t help but notice the closeness between these two. And he couldn’t help but notice how Jisung had in a slight way limped over. He either broke his ankle or they finally fucking did it. But that wasn’t important. No, Hyunjin would be so happy to see these two like this—but it wasn’t important. Not right now. </p><p> </p><p>“I can’t believe he...Jesus.” Jisung wiped his eyes with his sleeve, “did he say anything at all?” Jisung asked, eyes glued to Chan. “Please tell me what happened to him…”</p><p> </p><p>Chan felt his lips pull at the corner in the most unsettling way. He didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t there. </p><p> </p><p>“I found him,” Changbin spoke, hands still tight around Chan’s, “he was at our dorm by Chan’s bed…”</p><p> </p><p>Jisung’s breath hitched, biting into his bottom lip as his eyes left Chan to focus on his roommate. </p><p> </p><p>“He just…” changbin stalled, “he seemed off. So I called an ambulance and they brought him here.”</p><p> </p><p>Changbin didn’t mention that hyunjin wasn’t breathing. Maybe that was a good thing. Jisung was...very emotional. </p><p> </p><p>“Did he text either of you? Did he mention his bear?”</p><p> </p><p>Chan felt anxiety creep up. The bear keychain? Seungmin’s bear? What happened to the keychain?</p><p> </p><p>“Hyunjin left me so many calls and messages and I—“</p><p> </p><p>Chan winced. He wasn’t sure why he suddenly wanted to choke Jisung. He didn’t know what this feeling was. </p><p> </p><p>“I couldn’t get to my phone but when I saw your call I...I don’t know I just...oh my god is this my fault?” </p><p> </p><p>His fault?</p><p> </p><p>Chan wanted to say yes. In a way, if Jisung received all of those calls...maybe placing blame on him wasn’t that far fetched. </p><p> </p><p>“I swear I...my phone didn’t even go off that much. Minho, you didn’t hear it either right?”</p><p> </p><p>Minho wrapped his arms around Jisung, sighing against him, “it’s not your fault, Jisung. Nothing is your fault.”</p><p> </p><p>Chan noticed how...strangely tense Minho was. Either he did think it was Jisungs fault, or he knew more. Was he not telling them something? The look in Minho’s panicked eyes was...he wouldn’t even glimpse at Chan. Anytime Chan tried to look at him the younger man’s eyes would dash away. </p><p> </p><p>Like right now. </p><p> </p><p>“Has anyone talked to felix?” Changbin sighed, taking his phone out, “why isn’t he here?”</p><p> </p><p>“I haven’t heard from him.” Minho whispered, hands in Jisung’ hair now. </p><p> </p><p>“I’ll call him.” Changbin pulled himself up from the chair he’d settled at, pulling Jisung down in his place to leave Minho standing alone. He was unable to connect his eyes with Chan’s still—</p><p> </p><p>Chan couldn’t get his expression out of his head. Minhos eyes. They wouldn’t meet Chan’s. </p><p> </p><p>“How long do you think he...he’s gonna wake up, right?” Jisung sniffled, turning to Chan. </p><p> </p><p>Chan didn’t know. He didn’t know shit. </p><p> </p><p>————</p><p> </p><p>The last thing anyone wants to hear at a date is that their best friend tried to kill themselves. Felix had never left a restaurant so fast. He’d never run to exhaustion. Never screamed at a cab driver before. Felix had felt a lot in his life, but never this much. He felt his whole chest collapse. His lungs had nearly given out as Changbin told him. </p><p> </p><p>His phone had been off for hours. Not only did he never keep it on while with someone, but it just kind of died. At the restaurant he managed to plug it in but he hadn’t checked his inbox. He was busy. He didn’t know. </p><p> </p><p>Felix had never felt so fucking awful. He didn’t understand what was going on, why his best friend had overdosed, why he was the last to know. He just...felt so dreadful. He couldn’t explain it. Just dark dread. </p><p> </p><p>“You saved his life.” Felix whispered as he sat across from Changbin in the waiting area, “thank you for that.”</p><p> </p><p>Changbin had found Hyunjin. He called an ambulance. He waited, doing everything he could to bring Hyunjin back while he was...down. </p><p> </p><p>“Don’t mention it to Jisung.” Changbin whispered, he seemed tired. Exhausted. Of course he was. “He’s too...way too out of it.”</p><p> </p><p>“How’s Chan?” Felix frowned, “is he okay?”</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t know. He’s being really weird...I have no clue if he’s all there or what. He just wants to see him.” </p><p> </p><p>Felix nodded, glimpsing towards the other side of the waiting room where Minho had dragged Jisung to calm him, Jisung curled up along one of the couches with his head in Minhos chest. He looked small. Felix had never seen Hyunjin’s roommate look that small. He’d never seen his own roommate looking so...Felix wasn't used to Minho looking so broken up. It was weird. </p><p> </p><p>“Chan still outside?” Felix asked them, peeling his eyes away. </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah.” Changbin shrugged, “probably.”</p><p> </p><p>“Okay.” </p><p> </p><p>Felix wasn’t sure what he was expecting when he rounded the corner of the hospital, Chan settled against the wall with a fucking blunt at his lips. Of course he was doing this shit. Him and Hyunjin had gotten hooked on this shit together. </p><p> </p><p>“You coming back inside?” Felix asked, Chan seeming startled, dropping the blunt between his legs, “or are you going to stay out here?”</p><p> </p><p>Chan grimaced, hands in his hair, “going inside won’t do anything. They already told me I can’t see him.”</p><p> </p><p>“I didn't mean to sound…” he kind of did mean it. He didn’t like Chan. He didn’t trust him. Hyunjin refused to go into detail about Chan and his relationship and it bothered Felix. Felix knew Chan wasn’t a good influence. Nor was he helping with Hyunjin’sissues. </p><p> </p><p>“It’s okay. Wanna sit?”</p><p> </p><p>“Not really…”</p><p> </p><p>“It was my only one.”</p><p> </p><p>“How long have you been puffing on it?” Felix sighed, hands in his pockets. </p><p> </p><p>“Not long enough.”</p><p> </p><p>Felix obliged, scooting himself down besides Chan, “how are you doing?”</p><p> </p><p>Chan was hard to read, “I don’t know.”</p><p> </p><p>“I heard he never called you.”</p><p> </p><p>“I was in an exam. Jisung told me that Hyunjin messaged him that...I don’t know why neither of you picked up your phones—“ Chan stopped, biting at his lip, “I mean yours was turned off. But...did Jisung just ignore him?”</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t blame him.” Felix frowned, “he feels guilty enough. Hyunjin will be okay. I can feel it. There’s no need to blame anyone…” Felix brushes hair behind his ear, “he’s going to be okay.”</p><p> </p><p>“What if he isn’t?”</p><p> </p><p>“Hyunjin’s tough. He might not seem it...but that’s my best friend. I know he’s tough. He’ll be okay.” </p><p> </p><p>“I can’t stop thinking about it. If he would have texted me that something was wrong I—“</p><p> </p><p>Felix let his head fall back against the brick of the hospital walls, “he didn't want you to fail your exam. He knows you’re graduating. He probably knew it was important. Hyunjin’s...he’s like that.”</p><p> </p><p>“I would have been there. I would have been able to stop it.”</p><p> </p><p>Felix didn’t doubt that. </p><p> </p><p>“Hyunjin really cares about you.” He’d spilled to Felix plenty about how important Chan was, even if Felix never got details, “he’ll he fine.”</p><p> </p><p>“Changbin resuscitating him scares the shit out of me.” Chan admitted, fingers splayed across his face, “he was gone for god knows how long and now he’s sitting alone in a hospital bed and—“</p><p> </p><p>Felix still didn’t like Chan. But he would comfort him. Hyunjin practically loved the guy. Felix cupped Chan’s knee with his hand, offering the weakest smile he could, “he’s gonna wake up. Everything will be okay.”</p><p> </p><p>———</p><p> </p><p>A day later and nothing really seemed okay. They ended up having to go home from the hospital with no news on Hyunjin. Thankfully the nurse told Jisung that they’d let him know when they had news but...it wasn’t good enough for him. </p><p> </p><p>“Jisung...are you okay?” Minho asked, tiny kisses at the back of Jisung’s neck as Minho’s hands brushed comfortably along his stomach, “you haven’t eaten.”</p><p> </p><p>“I can’t, Min.” Jisung responded, rolling over to face Minho. </p><p> </p><p>Leaving the hospital had been weird. Ever since they got back to the dorm, Minho had been shaky. Tense. Quiet. </p><p> </p><p>“You should eat though...if you can.” Minho shook his head in response, curling down against Jisung. </p><p> </p><p>As much as Jisung wanted to fight it and joke about how Minho needed to keep his tummy full for him, he couldn’t. As much as he wanted to gush about how fucking great the other day was...or how they practically confessed their cheesy love for eachother, he couldn’t. He couldn’t enjoy anything. Not while his roommate was in the hospital from an overdose. </p><p> </p><p>“Jisung, I’m sorry.” </p><p> </p><p>“No, I should have answered the phone.” Jisung sighed, kissing Minho’s hair, “then maybe we could have—“</p><p> </p><p>“No, I’m so fucking sorry.” </p><p> </p><p>What was he apologizing for? Was he apologizing for the virginity thing? Did he think he forced Jisung to take his v card or something? Jisung blinked, pulling Minho’s face to look at him, “Minho, you didn’t do anything—“</p><p> </p><p>“This is all my fault.” Minho was shaking, eyes filling with tears.</p><p> </p><p>“You didn’t...no it’s my fault for not—“</p><p> </p><p>“I took his keychain.”</p><p> </p><p>Jisung stomach knotted, breath hitching. The fuck did that mean? What the ever loving fuck did that mean? </p><p> </p><p>“It was...days ago we were in bed and I...we were being stupid and rough and when I got up I stepped on something and I—“</p><p> </p><p>“Minho, what did you do?”</p><p> </p><p>“It broke. It snapped and I...I couldn’t tell you. It looked so bad and I just...I just wanted to fix it for him and I—“</p><p> </p><p>Jisung felt an odd rage. An odd rage that was replacing any loving feelings. He didn’t want to be so mad but...fuck—</p><p> </p><p>“I was almost done with it. It’s almost completely new…I swear I didn’t think he would. I knew it was important but I didn’t know he would do that. I didn’t know—“ Minho seemed to notice Jisung’s face, he pulled himself up, wiping at his eyes, “I didn’t know I swear…”</p><p> </p><p>“You didn’t know?” Jisung sounded way more upset than he intended. And his voice raised way too much. He didn’t want to yell at Minho, but for fuck sake his best friend was in the hospital right now. “He overdosed over that bear. He’s in the fucking hospital right now. It was that important and you’re telling me you had it this entire time?”</p><p> </p><p>Minho looked away, cool tears hitting Jisungs arm, “I swear I was going to return it like nothing happened. It wasn’t that serious I—“</p><p> </p><p>“He might not wake up, Minho.”</p><p> </p><p>Jisungs' own words were enough venom to have Minho sobbing on the bed. And as much as Jisung would love to wrap his arms around him and tell him it was okay—it wasn’t okay. This wasn’t fucking okay. </p><p> </p><p>“He could die and...you just—“ Jisung stopped, Minho pulling himself out of the bed. </p><p> </p><p>“I’m so sorry, Jisung. I didn’t…” Minho stopped, unable to complete. His voice was hoarse already, eyes reddened from how intense he was scraping his sleeve across them. </p><p> </p><p>Jisung couldn't focus, his eyes were glued to the floor. He felt numb. He felt so upset and angry. Minho didn’t mean any harm but...this was Hyunjin. Hyunjin was so fucking important. </p><p> </p><p>Jisung glanced up as the sound of his door closing rang through his ears. He should go after Minho, he should talk to him. It wasn’t Minho’s fault. But it was. It kind of was. Jisung didn’t hate him. He didn’t hate him one bit. He loved him. He really did. </p><p> </p><p>But this was Hyunjin. </p><p> </p><p>——</p><p> </p><p>There was discomfort in waking up. </p><p> </p><p>There was discomfort in trying to explain that it was intentional. That it was an accident. That he just didn’t realize what he was doing. </p><p> </p><p>There was discomfort in waking up alone. </p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin felt dizzy. Tired. He felt a lot of horrible things, but he mostly felt stupid. And guilty. And overwhelmed. Hyunjin wanted to leave. </p><p> </p><p>They’d let him leave after some tests or whatever. Which was weird. But apparently they didn’t need to hold him. </p><p> </p><p>Which was good. It meant he could leave. </p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin took a deep breath as he turned in the bed. He didn’t have his phone with him. And he didn’t know any numbers outside of his parents and Felix’s. But he didn’t want to talk to any of those options. </p><p> </p><p>He kinda wanted to talk to Chan. </p><p> </p><p>There was a strange tug in his chest. He’d been waiting for awhile now. He wondered if they’d let anyone come in. They told him that Changbin had saved him, and that Chan, Jisung, Minho and Felix had all been in the waiting room for him the day his incident occurred. </p><p> </p><p>He wanted to see them. </p><p> </p><p>But he mostly wanted Chan. But he didn’t know Chan’s number. And Felix didn’t really like Chan. And his parents didn’t know about Chan. </p><p> </p><p>His head spun. </p><p> </p><p>Hours. He’d been there for hours and—</p><p> </p><p>“Hyunjin?”</p><p> </p><p>It was nice. It was so nice. </p><p> </p><p>There was no discomfort in turning. </p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin actually had a smile on his face. Though the person approaching his bed looked weary. Tired. He hadn’t slept. </p><p> </p><p>“Hey…”</p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin didn’t really know what to expect when the person just stopped at their bed. </p><p> </p><p>Jisung. </p><p> </p><p>“You can come closer...I promise it was just an accident, Sungie.” Hyunjin whispered, sitting up in the bed. It wasn’t like he couldn’t move at all. Which was apparently a good sign. </p><p> </p><p>“Are you okay?” Jisung was shaky. </p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin hadn’t meant to harm anyone. Especially not his roommate. </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah Jisung, I swear I’m fine.” Hyunjin sighed, patting his bed, “it was just...I’m fine.”</p><p> </p><p>Jisung took a deep breath before settling beside Hyunjin. He was really tired. And his eyes were puffy. He’d caused Jisung a lot of stress, hadn’t he? </p><p> </p><p>“You okay?” Hyunjin asked, slipping his hand over Jisungs, “I’m okay I swear.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m so sorry…”</p><p> </p><p>“For what?” Hyunjin sighed, “Don’t apologize it was seriously an accident. I just panicked and—“</p><p> </p><p>“Minho took it.”</p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin took a deep breath. He had completely forgotten why he’d panicked so hard. Seungmin. Seungmin’s keychain. He lost it—</p><p> </p><p>“He broke it and wanted to fix it. He probably has it in his room.” Jisung didn’t sound good at all. He sounded mad. </p><p> </p><p>“He has it?” Hyunjin lay his chin against Jisung’s shoulder, his roommate just resting his head against his. </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah. He does.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’ll just get it from him next time I see him.” Hyunjin wasn’t mad. He wasn’t upset...he was actually relieved. Relieved that the keychain was in good hands. </p><p> </p><p>“I’ll ask Felix to get it…”</p><p> </p><p>“We can get it when I get out—“</p><p> </p><p>“I can’t look at him right now.”</p><p> </p><p>Oh. Hyunjin took a deep breath, moving a hand to brush through his friend's hair, “What happened?”</p><p> </p><p>“Nothing.”</p><p> </p><p>“Jisung.”</p><p> </p><p>“You almost died.”</p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin’s face fell, “Jisung that’s not his fault.”</p><p> </p><p>It wasn’t. It wasn’t anyone else’s fault. Hell, it wasn’t even Hyunjin’s. He didn’t think it was at least. He just had an accident. It was an accident. </p><p> </p><p>“What if you hadn’t woken up?”</p><p> </p><p>“Please tell me you didn’t cut things off with him…” Hyunjin raked a hand through Jisung’s hair, “jisung?”</p><p> </p><p>“I did.”</p><p> </p><p>He didn’t like that. </p><p> </p><p>“Really?”</p><p> </p><p>“I missed your calls because of him.”</p><p> </p><p>That wasn’t fair either. </p><p> </p><p>“Jisung, you not picking up is fine. You were busy. Felix was busy too—“</p><p> </p><p>“I ignored your calls because I was fucking him.” Jisung laughed under his breath, “I just ignored you. I kept ignoring you.”</p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin wanted to congratulate him. But that wasn’t appropriate. </p><p> </p><p>“Jisung it’s not his or your fault.” Hyunjin whispered, “seriously, I’m fine.”</p><p> </p><p>“You’re not fine. You haven’t been fine. You’re never fine. You just lie and act like you’re fine but you’re not.” Jisung snapped, “stop being so understanding...be upset. Be mad. Jesus I need you to feel something because your apathy is scaring the shit out of me.” </p><p> </p><p>Jisung was so grief stricken. He looked so out of it. So damaged and pained. He clearly wasn’t in a good place. </p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin wasn’t either, sure. But he wasn’t mad. He didn’t know how to be mad. Not at this? </p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin slipped his hand to pat Jisung’s back, “listen, you didn’t do anything. Neither did Minho. I panicked. I overreacted and I wasn’t keeping track of what I was taking. Jisung I wasn’t trying to kill myself.”</p><p> </p><p>Jisung just shook his head, face buried in his hands, “Hyunjin...you could have died.”</p><p> </p><p>“I didn’t.” Hyunjin beamed, scooting himself closer to drape both arms around Jisung’s shoulders, burying his face into his friends shoulder, “I’m still here.”</p><p> </p><p>“You’re too apathetic...Hyunjin I thought you were dead. I didn’t think you’d wake up and I thought I killed you I—“</p><p> </p><p>“Shut up, Jisung.” Hyunjin sighed, giving Jisung a tight squeeze, “I’m fine. I’m alive and I’m okay. Everything’s okay, alright?”</p><p> </p><p>“You’re not okay, I know you’re not.” Maybe Jisung was crying. Hyunjin couldn’t tell. All he knew was that he squeezed just a little tighter. </p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin wasn’t angry. He wasn’t resentful. He was light. Maybe it was the hospital. Whatever they’d given him. Whatever they were doing was making everything feel light. </p><p> </p><p>But that was okay. </p><p> </p><p>——</p><p> </p><p>Minho had never felt so much guilt. He’d never had this horrible feeling buried in his stomach. </p><p> </p><p>He could have killed him. </p><p> </p><p>Yeah, they’d gotten news that Hyunjin had woken up and was fine but...he could have killed him. Jisung was right to be mad at him. Jisung was right to tell him he thought they shouldn’t see each other anymore right after they got the news. Granted that part had really fucking hurt. </p><p> </p><p>Felix was right to be mad too. </p><p> </p><p>Felix was right to shove Minho into the door and nearly punch him. Minho probably deserved the fist that never came. Why didn’t felix hit him? </p><p> </p><p>Minho took a deep breath, rubbing at his incredibly sore eyes as he picked the keychain from his desk. </p><p> </p><p>This meant so much to Hyunjin. Minho didn’t know. He didn’t know that Hyunjin was that attached to it. That Hyunjin would breakdown without it. He didn’t know. </p><p> </p><p>Minho sat it back on the desk, rubbing his eyes again. He should give it to Chan. Or someone. Not Chan. Minho was honestly scared of what Chan would do if he found out Minho was the one who caused Hyunjin to end up in the hospital. </p><p> </p><p>Minho slipped his phone into his hands, the screen too blurry to read. He guessed that made sense since his eyes were so fogged over. He should call someone. </p><p> </p><p>He knew Hyunjin was fine. But he needed to get this keychain away from him. This keychain was...a curse. </p><p> </p><p>Minho let out a shriek as his phone buzzed in his hands, phone hitting the floor hard. </p><p> </p><p>Fuck. </p><p> </p><p>He took another sharp inhale as he cleared his eyes with his sleeve again, Jisung’s number bright. </p><p> </p><p>Jisung. </p><p> </p><p>Minho sniffled at that, phone at his ear as he accepted the call. He didn’t want to talk to him. He really didn’t. </p><p> </p><p>“Minho?”</p><p> </p><p>It wasn’t Jisung. </p><p> </p><p>Minho’s chest tightened as his eyes darted to the keychain on his desk, “yeah?”</p><p> </p><p>“You at your dorm? Can you come to the hospital.”</p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin. He sounded fine. </p><p> </p><p>“Hyunjin I—“</p><p> </p><p>“Please?”</p><p> </p><p>“I’ll give Felix the keychain to give back to you I’m so—“</p><p> </p><p>“Minho can you come to the hospital or not?”</p><p> </p><p>Minho felt pressure in his chest. Pressure in his head. He didn’t know what to say in reply. </p><p> </p><p>“Jisung’s here. You should come.”</p><p> </p><p>“He doesn’t want to see me.”</p><p> </p><p>“Just come?”</p><p> </p><p>Minho shut his eyes right, fingers trembling, “okay.”</p><p> </p><p>He wasn’t sure what was said after that. He couldn’t stop the trembling in his hands. Or the overwhelming feeling of having to face Hyunjin. </p><p> </p><p>But fuck was the hospital uncomfortable.</p><p>——</p><p> </p><p>Why hadn’t he gone? </p><p> </p><p>Chan took a deep drag of his used up blunt, raking his fingers into his scalp. </p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin. He should see him. He should go to the hospital. Why hadn’t he? </p><p> </p><p>He cared about him. He really did. He did. </p><p> </p><p>Chan exhaled, leaning back until he smacked his bed. </p><p> </p><p>He cared. </p><p> </p><p>What was his excuse for ignoring Hyunjin? What was his problem? </p><p> </p><p>Chan lay the used blunt onto his desk. He wanted to see Hyunjin so badly. He truly did. He wanted to hold him and kiss him. Chan just wanted Hyunjin to know he was there. </p><p> </p><p>But he wasn’t. </p><p> </p><p>Because he was high off his ass in his dorm with porn playing on his laptop. Porn he wasn’t watching. Porn he wasn’t interested in. </p><p> </p><p>He just wanted Hyunjin. </p><p> </p><p>What the fuck was his problem? </p><p> </p><p>Was it guilt? Did Chan feel guilty for being a piece of shit? For not noticing that Hyunjin wasn’t actually okay? Chan didn’t want to be horrible. </p><p> </p><p>He knew he was. He knew. He knew he was too careless for Hyunjin. He wasn’t a good friend. He wasn’t a good anything. </p><p> </p><p>Fuck. It was the pot talking. </p><p> </p><p>Chan wasn’t horrible. He liked Hyunjin. He did. Hyunjin was great. Hell, he’d done everything he could to get his attention. No, shit. Chan was bad. </p><p> </p><p>He had cut himself in the shower. He forced Hyunjin into a situation that hurt him. He forced Hyunjin to take care of him. And now that he had Hyunjin, he wasn’t doing the same. </p><p> </p><p>Chan smacked his cheek in agitation as he sat up. He really did like Hyunjin. He had for so long, right? Fuck. </p><p> </p><p>He didn’t want to be awful. He didn’t. </p><p> </p><p>Chan reached for his phone. Missed calls. Lots from Jisung for some reason. </p><p> </p><p>And a couple texts. </p><p> </p><p>Oh. Not Jisung. </p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin. </p><p> </p><p>Chan took a deep breath as his fingers grazed over the little black heart emojis splattered across the message. </p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin. </p><p> </p><p>God Chan was a piece of shit. And he knew he was. </p><p> </p><p>He still found himself going to the hospital, high off his ass. He was so stupid. Chan was something else. </p><p> </p><p>——</p><p> </p><p>“Why did you call him?” Jisung snapped. He woke up a few minutes after the call. </p><p> </p><p>“He’s bringing my keychain.” Hyunjin sighed, “I’m also leaving soon.”</p><p> </p><p>“So?”</p><p> </p><p>“I called Chan too.”</p><p> </p><p>Jisung took a deep breath, “I love you Hyunjin but…”</p><p> </p><p>“He’s gonna take me back to the dorms. And you and Minho are going back together.” Hyunjin replied. </p><p> </p><p>“Hyunjin that’s literally not your—“</p><p> </p><p>“Yes it is. Because when I get back to the dorm I’m gonna fuck Chan and you’re not staying there while I do it.”</p><p> </p><p>Jisung scoffed at that, “what is wrong with you?”</p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin shrugged, “and you’re going to Minho’s dorm. Or sitting in the hallway. Rooms mine.”</p><p> </p><p>“You’re not even joking are you?”</p><p> </p><p>“Cutting things off with your vir—“ hyunjin smirked at that, “your boyfriend is a bad idea.”</p><p> </p><p>Jisung gave him a look, “Hyunjin.”</p><p> </p><p>“Seungmin wouldn’t want this.”</p><p> </p><p>Jisungs face fell, “Don’t do that—“</p><p> </p><p>“Do you want to disappoint me?”</p><p> </p><p>“Hyunjin—“</p><p> </p><p>“Jisung don’t be stupid. It’s not his fault. Grow up,” Hyunjin whispered as a soft knock hit the door. </p><p> </p><p>“I know it isn’t entirely but,” Jisung paused as Minho slipped into the room. His eyes were puffy. He clearly hadn’t been having a good time. He looked drained. Horrible. Fucking Jisung.</p><p> </p><p>“I,” Minho took a deep breath before holding out his hand. </p><p> </p><p>There was the keychain. </p><p> </p><p>It was just a keychain. But it was special. It was so special. </p><p> </p><p>“Thank you,” Hyunjin smiled, holding his hand out. </p><p> </p><p>Minho was cautious, laying it into Hyunjin’s palm. Granted he didn’t look at Jisung at all. And Jishng didn’t look at him. </p><p> </p><p>“I’m not mad, Minho.”</p><p> </p><p>Minho didn’t respond. He kept his eyes to the floor. </p><p> </p><p>“Seriously, I’m not. You didn’t mean to.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry.”</p><p> </p><p>Minho’s eyes were way too puffy for him to start crying again. </p><p> </p><p>“Minho, I just didn’t keep track of what I was doing. I had a really bad headache and just kept taking pills. It wasn’t your fault.”</p><p> </p><p>“You could have—“</p><p> </p><p>“But I didn’t. I’m fine. You’re fine.” Hyunjin wished Minho believed him. Wished Jisung believed him. </p><p> </p><p>It wasn’t a big deal. He was alive. He was fine.</p><p> </p><p>“Minho can you take Jisung back to your dorm?”</p><p> </p><p>Minho winced. </p><p> </p><p>Jisung made his way towards the door, “I’ll just stay outside the door—“</p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin shot Jisung a look, “stop blaming him.”</p><p> </p><p>Jisung took a deep breath, eyes struggling to meet Minho’s face, though Minho wasn’t interested in raising his gaze. </p><p> </p><p>“I’m fine. I’m not gonna listen to you bitch about missing Minho every day.”</p><p> </p><p>“Hyunjin—“</p><p> </p><p>“Go. Seriously, I’m fine. Chan’s coming.”</p><p> </p><p>“You don’t have to if you don’t want to.” Maybe Minho finally looking up struck something in Jisung. The way his face fell was telling. Jisung looked like he might have cracked right then. Minho looked horrible, and Jisung could finally see it. It was in his eyes masked under dark orbs. It was in the puffiness around them. </p><p> </p><p>Jisung just needed to see Minho’s eyes. </p><p> </p><p>“Jesus...Yeah fine, I’ll go.” Jisung even grabbed Minho’s hand, something that caused Minho to jump at. But nonetheless, Jisung took his hand and led him out of there. </p><p> </p><p>His eyes. </p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin was happy for them. He wanted to crack a joke about them finally having sex but...probably not a good time. Especially while he was in a hospital room. </p><p> </p><p>He took a deep breath as he rested back into the pillow. He felt naked. Well he was. But then he wasn’t. He had a hospital gown and some tubes in his arm. But he didn’t have his lip ring. Or any of his earrings. He felt so...weird. </p><p> </p><p>Maybe jewelry wasn’t what he should have been thinking about. He should’ve been more concerned with the fact that he almost killed himself. Granted he didn’t mean to…</p><p> </p><p>Deep down he wondered what it would have been like to never wake up. But it was the wrong time. The time was wrong. The day was wrong. Maybe the year. Maybe the decade—</p><p> </p><p>Chan’s knocks were subtle and had a cute little tone to them. Hyunjin knew that knock from anywhere. </p><p> </p><p>And Hyunjin wasn't shocked to see Chan high. Wasn’t shocked to see how Chan wasn’t really all there as he slipped onto the bed beside him.</p><p> </p><p>“Hi.”</p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin couldn’t help the tiny smile at his lips, “hey.”</p><p> </p><p>“Why didn’t you call me?” Chan whispered, sliding his hand over Hyunjin’s, “why didn’t you tell me about the keychain I would have been there?”</p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin opened his hand, the tiny bear resting there. Chan seemed perplexed. </p><p> </p><p>“How’d you get that?”</p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin shook his head, scooting back up to press the slightest kiss to Chan’s cheek, “it doesn’t matter. I didn’t call because you were busy.”</p><p> </p><p>“I would have dropped it for you...I swear.”</p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin knew that. Chan was obsessed. He knew this. </p><p> </p><p>“I’m fine. Your roommate saved the day,” Hyunjin smiled, leaning close to press tinier pecks along Chan’s jawline. </p><p> </p><p>Chan didn’t seem to react the way he expected. Hyunjin felt hands at his arms as Chan pulled away, “I would have rushed to you. I could have helped find it. You can call me no matter what I’m doing.”</p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin could smell the pot on him. </p><p> </p><p>“I know I can.”</p><p> </p><p>“Hyunjin I really care about you…”</p><p> </p><p>He knew. </p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin grabbed Chan’s face in his hands, scanning the man’s features. It had only been over a day. But he still expected more wear in Chan’s expression. He seemed okay. Fine. But that kind of made sense. This was Chan. </p><p> </p><p>“I told Jisung to stay out of the room tonight.”</p><p> </p><p>Chan took a deep breath, “you want to go to your dorm?” </p><p> </p><p>“As soon as I can, yeah.”</p><p> </p><p>“Priorities,” Chan scoffed, “have you seen felix yet?”</p><p> </p><p>“He had exams. I told him to stop by the dorm tonight when I get out. He was glad I was awake.”</p><p> </p><p>“You should see him.”</p><p> </p><p>“I will. But I just wanted to see you,” Hyunjin whispered, pressing more kisses to Chan’s jaw. </p><p> </p><p>“Why?” Chan huffed. </p><p> </p><p>Why?</p><p> </p><p>“Because I like you.”</p><p> </p><p>“Why?”</p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin huffed this time, looking right in Chan’s eyes, “Don’t do the guilt thing with me too, I’m fine. Nobody should feel weird.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m not good for you.”</p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin didn’t want to hear that. </p><p> </p><p>“Chan stop,”</p><p> </p><p>“No really I...Hyunjin as much as I like you, I’m so shitty,” Chan laughed at that, leaning into Hyunjin’s touch, “I didn’t know what to feel when you were unconscious.”</p><p> </p><p>“That doesn’t mean anything,” Hyunjin snapped, “Don’t leave me thinking you’re bad. Don’t leave me.”</p><p> </p><p>Chan stilled, “I’m not…”</p><p> </p><p>Maybe saying something like that in a hospital wasn’t a good idea. Especially after an overdose. </p><p> </p><p>“Shit I don’t...not to trap you. I don’t mean that just...you’re not bad. I really like you.”</p><p> </p><p>“I hurt myself...to get your attention I just—“</p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin turned Chan’s face to his, sliding his lips against Chan’s smoothly. It was different without his lip ring. </p><p> </p><p>But Chan sigh pleasantly, hand pressed against Hyunjin’s hip as he muttered apologies. </p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin didn’t want anyone to feel guilty. Not at all. Nobody was guilty. No one at all. And he really didn’t want to dive into the shit Chan had been through with him. He loved Chan. He did. </p><p> </p><p>“Chan, I’m sorry I scared you.”</p><p> </p><p>Chan took a deep breath, eyes half lidded. Probably from how high he was. </p><p> </p><p>“As soon as I’m released I’m going to fuck you so hard.”</p><p> </p><p>Chan coughed at that, leaning back in to take Hyunjin’s lips again. Hyunjin took that as approval. </p><p> </p><p>Good. </p><p> </p><p>——</p><p> </p><p>The car ride back was silent. Being dropped off by their driver was silent. Making their way into Minho’s home was silent. Going into the empty room was silent. </p><p> </p><p>Jisung hated silence. </p><p> </p><p>But he didn’t know what to say. Minho wasn’t saying anything. He looked horrible. </p><p> </p><p>“So,” what was he even going to say? </p><p> </p><p>“So…” Minho’s voice was small. He hated how small he sounded. God he couldn’t imagine how Minho felt when Jisung sent him that message. That he didn’t want to be with him anymore. God. Jisung felt like a dick. But he couldn’t shake his anger. No, disappointment. He wasn’t mad. He didn’t know how he felt. </p><p> </p><p>“You should eat. You look…”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m not hungry.” Minho whispered back before climbing into his bed, dragging blankets over him. Jisung wondered how many tears he’d shed in this bed. He felt awful. </p><p> </p><p>“Minho...I didn’t do it because I don’t care about you I was just…” he stopped, Minho pulling the blanket over his head. Fuck, “Seriously...I’m sorry.” Jisung took a seat at the bed, tugging back the blanket as Minho covered his face, biting his lip hard, “Minho can we talk?”</p><p> </p><p>Minho took a deep breath, “I’m so sorry.”</p><p> </p><p>Jisung, “you don’t have to be. Minho you didn’t do anything. You didn’t know…”</p><p> </p><p>Fuck. </p><p> </p><p>Jisung slipped beside Minho, caressing his cheek, “I shouldn’t have gotten mad. I just...I really didn’t think he would wake up.”</p><p> </p><p>“I know I…” Minho stopped, rubbing his eyes again. Which definitely didn’t fly with Jisung. </p><p> </p><p>So he grabbed Minho’s hands, leaning in as much as he was able as Minho shrunk back, leaving small kisses anywhere he could reach. He didn’t hate him. He didn’t hate him. </p><p> </p><p>Jisung pushed Minho onto his back, holding either of his wrists against the pillow to keep him from rubbing at his eyes. Which were pretty bad looking. </p><p> </p><p>“Stop, Min.” Jisung whispered, examining Minho’s eyes with worry before leaning down to finally take his lips, Minho’s fingers curling into Jisung’s as he slipped his hands up from the man’s wrists. </p><p> </p><p>He didn’t hate him. He didn’t want to be mad at him. Especially if Hyunjin was fine. Maybe Hyunjin really was fine. Maybe Minho really hadn’t done anything wrong. Maybe Jisung was really stupid for being so mad at him. </p><p> </p><p>He loved Minho. </p><p> </p><p>Minho writhed slightly underneath of him, squeezing Jisung’s hands as his lips parted. </p><p> </p><p>He loved Minho a lot. </p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry. I should have just told you,” Minho murmured against his lips, tongue flicking into Jisung’s mouth. It hadn’t been more than two days and the feeling of Minho’s tongue ring had his head spinning. </p><p> </p><p>“Don’t apologize anymore, Minho.” Jisung slipped his hand from Minho’s to trail down his side, giving his hip a subtle squeeze. </p><p> </p><p>Minho nodded against him, bringing his free hand to cup Jisungs jaw, deepening their soft kisses now that he had more control. </p><p> </p><p>Minho being in control was nice. </p><p> </p><p>“I love you, I’m sorry.” Jisung whispered, rubbing his fingertips up Minho’s shirt to feel the skin at his hip. He was warm. Soft. He loved the way Minho felt. </p><p> </p><p>Minho’s hips were sin. He was rolling them up into Jisung suddenly, soft sighs falling from his pretty lips. </p><p> </p><p>They had just done this days ago. Jisung knew he was still a little sore from their last escapade. Was Minho? </p><p> </p><p>“Sore.” Jisung whispered, Minho’s tongue burying in his mouth. </p><p> </p><p>Minho just nodded, moving his hand from Jisung’s jaw to his pants, unzipping him hastily, “how sore?”</p><p> </p><p>Jisung broke their kiss, pulling himself up slightly, “too sore to bottom.”</p><p> </p><p>Minho laughed at that, releasing Jisung’s hand to slip down into Jisung’s waistband, “I’m not sore.”</p><p> </p><p>Jisung hissed, arching his back slightly, “Lee Minho…”</p><p> </p><p>“Only if you want to…”</p><p> </p><p>“Jesus Christ…” Jisung sighed, Minho’s hand wrapping around his cock. </p><p> </p><p>He couldn’t help it with Minho. He loved this guy. He was so fucking dumb to break it off with him like that. Hyunjin was fine. It was all an accident. It wasn’t that serious. He loved Minho. He loved him, he really loved him. </p><p> </p><p>Jisung slipped a hand underneath Minho’s shirt, feeling for that pretty pink bud at his chest. </p><p> </p><p>Minho. He loved Minho. Minho, who was arching his back and releasing these pretty moans that were driving Jisung absolutely insane. </p><p> </p><p>Minho, whose mouth gaped as Jisung slid his hand down Minho’s pants to reach that pretty hole he’d fucked into the other day. </p><p> </p><p>He loved Minho. </p><p> </p><p>“Does Felix have any condoms?”</p><p> </p><p>Minho pouted at that before pointing over to the closet, “red box.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’ll be right back.” Jisung whispered, spraying tiny kisses all over Minho’s cheeks before rushing to the closet. The red box was easy enough to locate, lube and rolls of condoms. Perfect. </p><p> </p><p>“Jisung~”</p><p> </p><p>Minho. He fucking loved Minho. </p><p> </p><p>“I’m coming,” Jisung laughed, grabbing the bottle of lube before bouncing back into the bed over Minho, tugging Minho’s pants down to his knees. </p><p> </p><p>“Impatient!”</p><p> </p><p>Jisung snickered, leaning down to press kisses to Minho’s nose, “Let me apologize.”</p><p> </p><p>Minho shook his head, tugging at Jisung’s shirt which he gladly slipped over his head, Minho’s warm fingers tracing the lines of his stomach. </p><p> </p><p>“I love you.”</p><p> </p><p>Jisung loved him too. So fucking much. </p><p> </p><p>“I love you too, Minho. I’m sorry for,” he paused, slipping his pants down his thighs before running fingers back under Minho’s shirt, revealing that cute stomach he couldn’t believe he had. </p><p> </p><p>“No more apologizing. Just kiss me.” Minho whispered, rolling his hips teasingly. </p><p> </p><p>“I fucking love you.”</p><p> </p><p>——</p><p> </p><p>Discharging was weird. And awkward. But it wasn’t like Hyunjin hadn’t been in similar positions before. This wasn’t that new to him. </p><p> </p><p>“Do you want me to get anything?” Chan asked, pulling up from the spot he’d been sucking at Hyunjin’s thigh. </p><p> </p><p>Chan should get a lot of stuff. Lube. Condoms. Pot. </p><p> </p><p>But he didn’t want anything. Just Chan. </p><p> </p><p>“No, just come here,” Hyunjin whispered, grabbing chan by the only article he had on, his hand around the chain necklace at his throat, “Kiss me.”</p><p> </p><p>Chan obliged, teeth catching Hyunjin’s bottom lip. It felt nice. Where his ring should have been replaced with the feeling of Chan’s teeth. </p><p> </p><p>“Do you want more—“</p><p> </p><p>“No, just fuck me.” Hyunjin whispered back, “just fuck me. And don’t stop.”</p><p> </p><p>Chan took a deep breath, “my high is gone I’m not going to be so careless...Hyunjin are you sure you’re okay?”</p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin was fine. </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, I’m fine. Let’s do this, okay.”</p><p> </p><p>“You just got released.”</p><p> </p><p>“Chan, I really want to fuck you.”</p><p> </p><p>Chan gave Hyunjin a look he’d never seen. Some sort of worry and disbelief. Like a puppy. Chan was being a puppy. </p><p> </p><p>“Chan?”</p><p> </p><p>“I just don’t want you to hurt anymore.”</p><p> </p><p>“You could never. You never hurt me—“</p><p> </p><p>Chan took a deep breath, “our meeting.”</p><p> </p><p>“That was ages ago, it’s over.”</p><p> </p><p>“I shouldn’t have done that to you. I really hurt you and you just...you keep forgiving me with sex and—“</p><p> </p><p>“I want to have sex wth you.”</p><p> </p><p>“Hyunjin...I really really like you.”</p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin tensed, “I know you do.”</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to be this bad thing for you.”</p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin pushed Chan down against his bed, sliding the black body pillow to the side as he scooted himself over him, positioning himself easily, “stop.”</p><p> </p><p>“Am I bad for you?”</p><p> </p><p>No. </p><p> </p><p>“No, Chan stop.”</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t want to hurt you. All I’ve done is...Hyunjin, you haven’t gotten much better have you?”</p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin took a deep breath, “Chan, don’t do this right now, please?”</p><p> </p><p>Chan took a deep breath, helping Hyunjin lower himself, “Hyunjin I…”</p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin paused, eyeing Chan closely, “what?”</p><p> </p><p>“I love you.”</p><p> </p><p>Those words. Hyunjin hadn’t heard them with such endearment since...shit. He hadn’t heard those words since Seungmin. It stung. </p><p> </p><p>“What?”</p><p> </p><p>Chan didn’t move, he held Hyunjin’s hips still, thumbs caressing either side carefully. </p><p> </p><p>“Chan.”</p><p> </p><p>“I love you, Hyunjin.”</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t say that unless you mean it I—“</p><p> </p><p>“If you don’t feel the same it’s okay, Hyunjin. I won’t leave you.”</p><p> </p><p>Seungmin. Hyunjin took a deep breath. Chan wasn’t a mistake. Seungmin wasn’t either. Nobody was a mistake.</p><p> </p><p>“I just wanted you to know that I love you.”</p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin loved Chan. He thought he did. But the words wouldn’t form. He couldn’t do it. </p><p> </p><p>Chan ran his hands up to Hyunjin’s hips, giving reassuring squeezes, “you don’t have to say it. It’s okay if you’re not ready or don’t want to. I promise,” Chan smiled, keeping himself composed, “Do you want me to move?”</p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin felt like a deer in headlights. </p><p> </p><p>“Hyunjin?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah…move.” Hyunjin managed, giving a light bounce of his own, shuddering at the length pulsing inside of him. </p><p> </p><p>He wanted to say it back so badly. </p><p> </p><p>“Okay,” Chan was slow, calm. It was weird when they fucked sober. Chan was cautious when he wasn’t high. It was...Hyunjin wasn’t sure what he preferred. There was something exciting about how animalistic Chan could be. But this was nice too...it was. </p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin took soft breaths as Chan thrust up into him, fingers running along his thighs. </p><p> </p><p>He loved Chan. He knew he loved him. </p><p> </p><p>Chan. Chan. Chan. </p><p> </p><p>March. March twenty-fifth. </p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin took a deep breath as he leaned down, Chan’s lips soft against his own. </p><p> </p><p>He tasted like heaven. </p><p> </p><p>Why couldn’t he say it? </p><p> </p><p>——</p><p> </p><p>Minho was heaven. </p><p> </p><p>Jisung threw his head back, blonde hair sticking to his cheeks as he released lengthy moans, fingers running up Minho’s chest. He loved this man so much. </p><p> </p><p>“How close are you?” Minho laughed, wrapping his leg around Jisung’s hip as his hand moved from the stickiness of his own stomach. </p><p> </p><p>“Really close.” Jisung shuddered, wrapping both arms around Minho’s back, nuzzling into Minho’s shoulder as he gave quick thrusts in succession. He didn’t mind the cum sticking between the two of them, nor did he care about how overwhelmed and tired he was. He just wanted to cum. </p><p> </p><p>“Out!” Minho’s breath was heavy agaisnt Jisungs' hair. </p><p> </p><p>He forgot that Minho preferred Jisung to cum on him. He didn’t mind that one bit. </p><p> </p><p>“Where?”</p><p> </p><p>Minho smirked, sliding himself up as Jisung nearly collapsed back into Minho’s bed, gripping the sheets tight. </p><p> </p><p>“Mouth.” </p><p> </p><p>Jisung didn’t expect Minho to practically tear the condom from his length, taking his hand to wrap around him. </p><p> </p><p>“M-Minho—“</p><p> </p><p>“Can I try it?”</p><p> </p><p>Jisung took a deep breath, “Jesus Christ…” </p><p> </p><p>Minho seemed to like that answer, warm mouth wrapping around Jisungs length. He’d be careful. He didn’t want to hurt Minho at all. </p><p> </p><p>“Minho...Jesus I’m not gonna last at all.”</p><p> </p><p>Minho just hummed happily, bobbing his head. He was focusing so much of his attention on the head of Jisungs cock, tongue ring rolling along his slit. </p><p> </p><p>It felt so fucking good. </p><p> </p><p>Jisung breathed out, bringing his hands to tangle in his boyfriends messy hair, “God, I love you…”</p><p> </p><p>Minho let his tongue roll along the underside of Jisungs cock before taking him again. Jisung could feel the back of Minho’s throat now, which was sending him to places he had never been. Not with any other person. Not even that girl he fucked in his bed before they met. Jisung really wanted to thank that girl. If it wasn’t for her, he wouldn’t be here. He wouldn’t be here with Minho right now. </p><p> </p><p>March. Thank god for March. </p><p> </p><p>Jisung released a strained moan as he came, hand wrapped in Minho’s hair as the older man hummed against his cock, sucking him practically dry. Sometimes Minho’s confidence astounded him. This virgin—well he wasn’t a virgin anymore, this man...this beautiful, wondrous human being, was just so full of surprises. </p><p> </p><p>Jisung fucking adored him. </p><p> </p><p>“You tasted so salty this time,”</p><p> </p><p>Jisung laughed before pulling Minho up by his jaw, eyes scanning those puffy eyes of his, “I love you.” </p><p> </p><p>Minho scrunched his nose, leaning in to peck at Jisung’s mouth, “I love you too, Jisung.”</p><p> </p><p>Why would he ever think to leave this man? He was perfect. They were perfect. </p><p> </p><p>Jisung wrapped his arms around his waist, nuzzling their noses fondly. So domestically before collapsing onto his side, Minho tight in his grasp. </p><p> </p><p>He loved him. He loved him. He loved him. </p><p> </p><p>——</p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin was tired. Of course he was. He’d already come and he was still rolling his hips down onto Chan, though they had switched positions a couple of times. And Chan had come twice. The sticky mess between his thighs was...uncomfortable to say the least. </p><p> </p><p>“Hyunjin, I can’t take anymore.”</p><p> </p><p>Chan was just as overwhelmed. To the point he’d collapsed on the bed from exhaustion, blonde hair stuck to his forehead. </p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin took a deep breath as he angled himself against Chan’s length, pit in his stomach tight. He was almost ready to come again. He knew he was. </p><p> </p><p>“Want me to pull off?”</p><p> </p><p>Chan watched Hyunjin close, face so tired. He was so tired. </p><p> </p><p>“Chan,”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m so close again…” Chan looked pained, toes curling as his hands shakily ran up Hyunjin’s stomach. </p><p> </p><p>“Pull out?” Hyunjin repeated, kneading his fingers into Chan’s hair, “what do you want me to do?”</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t leave,” Chan whined, pressing his nails into Hyunjin’s hips as he gave a couple deep thrusts upwards, causing Hyunjin to tremble over him. </p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin took a deep breath as he lay across Chan, breath rapid against Chan’s throat as the elder gave another set of deep thrusts, causing Hyunjin to knit his brows. </p><p> </p><p>And then that third wave filled him, Chan’s mouth gaped back and body trembling almost as much as Hyunjin’s as he came. </p><p> </p><p>A little uncomfortable, the position. But Hyunjin pulled himself off quickly, rolling onto the body pillow beside them, the sticky feeling trickling around his legs. </p><p> </p><p>“You okay?” Chan whispered, eyes closed shut as he brought a hand to his own stomach, fingers so shaky. </p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin nodded, turning his head to watch the blonde mess next to him, “I’m fine, Chan.”</p><p> </p><p>“I love you, Hyunjin…” Chan’s voice was small as he managed to turn himself, fingers wrapping around Hyunjin’s jaw as their swollen lips met again. </p><p> </p><p>Did he love Chan?</p><p> </p><p>——</p><p> </p><p>“I can’t believe the first thing you did after leaving the hospital was have sex.”</p><p> </p><p>Felix had been...a joy to see after the incident. Felix was enraged mostly. At everyone and everything. </p><p> </p><p>“You need to take better care of yourself, I was so worried that I was going to lose you.” Felix huffed, sliding Hyunjin a soda before settling down across from him. </p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin just offered a weak smile, “I’m fine. It was just an—“</p><p> </p><p>Felix gave Hyunjin a look, “I’m not going to baby you. You told me to never baby you,” he had told fekix thst, he had, “you’re a fucking idiot, and your carelessness for yourself is going to literally kill you.”</p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin couldn’t say much about that. He popped his can open, taking steady sips. </p><p> </p><p>“How are you not infuriated with my roommate?”</p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin narrowed his eyes, placing the can to the side, “Minho didn’t mean any harm—“</p><p> </p><p>“I would have killed him if you died. He told me what he did when I went back to the house.”</p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin shook his head, “seriously, he didn’t do anything wrong.”</p><p> </p><p>“He took it?”</p><p> </p><p>“Seriously Felix, leave him alone. Jisung and him are—“</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah I know. They’re fine. But you’re not fine. Everyone else is always fine and you never are, Hyunjin.”</p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin loved Felix. But he hated when he was right. </p><p> </p><p>“It’s been a week. And you act like everything is the same. But it’s not.”</p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin shook his head, “it was an accident.”</p><p> </p><p>“You’re a bad liar.”</p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin’s breath hitched. And the pit of his stomach knotted. He wasn’t lying. He wasn’t. It wasn’t intentional. It wasn’t. </p><p> </p><p>“You need more help. You need to stop making sure everyone else is okay while you crumble inside.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m fine.”</p><p> </p><p>“How the fuck are you going to tell me, someone who’s known you for years, that you’re fine? You haven’t been fine since…” Felix stopped, glancing to the bear keychain that hung off if Hyunjin’s bag at the table, “you’re not fine.”</p><p> </p><p>“It was an accident.”</p><p> </p><p>“How many times did it take for you to believe that? How many times have you stood in your mirror trying to convince yourself that it was an accident?”</p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin shook his head at that. </p><p> </p><p>And then Felix smacked a piece of paper onto the table, fingers trembling over the letters that Hyunjin didn’t want to see again. </p><p> </p><p>“An accident?”</p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin looked away, eyes watering as he moved his hands to his bag. </p><p> </p><p>“Hyunjin, I don’t know if you sent anyone else one but...this wasn’t an accident. I know it wasn’t. The tear stains are on the page. Your handwriting.”</p><p> </p><p>“Felix.”</p><p> </p><p>“Why did you lie? Are you planning on still—“</p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin pulled his bag from the table, shaking as he ran long fingers over his face. </p><p> </p><p>“Hyunjin I love you, okay? You’re my best friend and I…Hyunjin did you write more? Why am I the only one who found mine?”</p><p> </p><p>He did it on purpose. </p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin knew Felix would find his first. Because he wanted Felix to. </p><p> </p><p>But he didn’t think he’d be alive to know. He really didn’t. </p><p> </p><p>Because it wasn’t an accident. It wasn’t. </p><p> </p><p>It was intentional. </p><p> </p><p>Yeah, he panicked and sent his friends messages, and yeah maybe he wanted them to save him at the time. But deep down, he knew it was intentional. Knew that the panic was. Because he planned it. He just didn’t know he’d be saved. </p><p> </p><p>He only wrote four letters. One was sitting in his notebook for his parents to find when they gathered his belongings. Felix’s was shoved into the bleachers he always fucked around underneath. Hyunjin knew he’d find his first. Jisungs was in his porn laptop bag. Jisung would find it eventually, though he’d traded porn for Minho. It would probably be awhile before he found it. </p><p> </p><p>Chan? </p><p> </p><p>Chan’s was the hardest. Chan’s was the hardest one for him to write. The hardest one to reread. The hardest one to find. Hyunjin had buried his. Which may have been a little much, but they met there. They met in that field in the quad. </p><p> </p><p>Chan would probably never find his. </p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin found himself in the bathroom, sliding down against the dirty wall till he hit the floor, hands covering his face. </p><p> </p><p>It was intentional. No matter how many times he’d told himself it wasn’t, yeah. It was. </p><p> </p><p>And he intended on finishing it out. He just didn’t know when. Or how. Or where. </p><p> </p><p>At this point did it matter? </p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin felt numb and tired. His head spun as he clutched the keychain on his bag. </p><p> </p><p>Seungmin. Seungmin wouldn’t like to see him like this.</p><p> </p><p>Good thing Seungmin was dead then. </p><p> </p><p>“Shit…” Hyunjin took a deep breath. Maybe Felix would tell the others. Maybe he should kill himself right now. Before he could hurt anyone else. Before he could disrupt anymore lives. </p><p> </p><p>Fuck. </p><p> </p><p>“Hyunjin?”</p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin slipped his hands from his face, eyes meeting an unexpected face, narrowing in expectation. </p><p> </p><p>Changbin? </p><p> </p><p>Chan’s roommate slid down the wall beside him, adjusting the black beanie at his head, “what are you doing in here?”</p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin took a sharp inhale, “using the bathroom.”</p><p> </p><p>“Ah, sure you were.”</p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin shot Changbin a look, though the elder wasn’t at all interested in looking back at him. </p><p> </p><p>“How long?”</p><p> </p><p>“How long have I been using the bathroom?” Hyunjin spat back, really not in the mood to talk to Chan’s dismissive roommate. Not right now. </p><p> </p><p>“How long have you wanted to kill yourself.”</p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin shook his head, “it was an accident.”</p><p> </p><p>Changbin nodded, “sure. So telling Chan how sorry you are in a wordy letter wasn’t a goodbye?”</p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin froze. </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah I saw you bury it before what happened. Didn’t really know what you were doing but…” Changbin slid the dirty paper onto Hyunjin’s thigh, “now I know.”</p><p> </p><p>“Why did you—“</p><p> </p><p>“Tear it up.”</p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin turned to Changbin in disgust, hands gripping around the paper at his lap tight, “what?”</p><p> </p><p>“He’s never going to see that. Tear it up.”</p><p> </p><p>“Changbin you have no right to—“</p><p> </p><p>“You’re not going anywhere. He’s never going to read it anyways. Now tear it up.” Changbin’s voice was small. He wasn’t joking at all. </p><p> </p><p>“I can’t.” Hyunjin breathed out. </p><p> </p><p>Changbin reached over, pointing towards a section of the page, “I’m sorry if Chan ever hurt you, but he doesn’t deserve this.”</p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin’s eyes met the page. No. He didn’t. He didn’t deserve that. Nobody did. </p><p> </p><p>“Even if you don’t love him. Tear this up.” Changbin was more stern now, folding his hands into his lap in anticipation. </p><p> </p><p>‘I don’t think I can ever love you.’ —</p><p> </p><p>What the fuck was wrong with Hyunjin? Chan wasn’t suicidal or depressed or whatever, but shit that line could hurt him. Really bad. And yeah, Hyunjin wasn’t in his best state writing it but...fuck. </p><p> </p><p>“You can’t tell anyone about this.” Hyunjin choked out, scanning the page to find so many mistakes. So many sentences that could have been written better. Fuck. </p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry Chan hurt you when you guys met,” Changbin whispered, “but you’re not leaving. You’re not going anywhere, Hyunjin.”</p><p> </p><p>“Why did you dig this up?” Hyunjin whispered shakily, crumpling the letter in his hands, “why couldn’t you leave it be?”</p><p> </p><p>“Because I’ve been in your position.”</p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin rest his head against the wall in disbelief. </p><p> </p><p>“In middle school I left my best friends letters before I tried to kill myself.”</p><p> </p><p>He didn’t really want to hear this. </p><p> </p><p>“I went through a ton of bullying. I don’t need your reason for things but…” Changbin glanced down to his bag. The keychain, “Seungmin probably wouldn’t want this for you.”</p><p> </p><p>“You don’t know me.”</p><p> </p><p>Changbin patted Hyunjin’s knee, “you’re selfless and you just want your friends to be okay. But do you really think they’ll be okay with you gone?”</p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin rolled his eyes. </p><p> </p><p>“When I tried to hang myself my mom found me fast.”</p><p> </p><p>“Stop.”</p><p> </p><p>“I was rushed to the hospital and...there was no faking what I tried to do. No faking that I tried to leave everything behind.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry you went through that, but you aren’t me.”</p><p> </p><p>“It doesn’t fucking matter what your reason is,” Changbin snatched the paper away, “you have people here that care about you. You have people here that you would destroy by leaving.”</p><p> </p><p>“You don’t know anything—“</p><p> </p><p>“Chan would probably kill himself.”</p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin shook his head. He wasn’t going to hear this. Changbin was just trying to fuck with his head. </p><p> </p><p>“Minho took your keychain right? I can’t imagine how horrible he’d feel. How bad your roommate would hate him if you died. You wouldn’t be leaving everyone happily. You’d be destroying all of them.”</p><p> </p><p>“You have no right to…” Hyunjin pulled himself up from the ground, reaching for the paper that Changbin tore in two. </p><p> </p><p>It stung. But he could always write a new one. </p><p> </p><p>“If you left, everyone you’re trying to protect would die inside. You don’t realize it. But you will. I don’t know when or how but...you think I wanted to look my mother in the eyes and tell her the truth? You think everyone’s better off without you, but they’re not.”</p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin shook his head. Changbin wasn’t him. He wasn’t. </p><p> </p><p>“Chan loves you. It’s okay if you don’t but don’t write something like this to him and then leave him...please.”</p><p> </p><p>“Bye, Changbin.” </p><p> </p><p>“Hyunjin, I’m serious. Please don’t.”</p><p> </p><p>“Bye.” Hyunjin turned the corner fast. He wasn’t sure what his destination was, but he needed to get out of there. He needed to get away from Felix and Changbin. </p><p> </p><p>He didn’t want to hear it anymore. </p><p> </p><p>He didn’t want to deal with it anymore—</p><p> </p><p>Fuck. Of course. Of fucking course. </p><p> </p><p>“Hey.”</p><p> </p><p>He didn’t want to do this right now. He really didn’t want to see him. He didn’t want to break down in front of him. He didn’t want him to think he wasn’t okay. Hyunjin was fine. He was fine. </p><p> </p><p>“Hyunjin, are you okay?” Yes he was fine. He was fine. </p><p> </p><p>Fingers met his cheek. They were cool. And maybe Hyunjin could take in that fucking pot smell again. But why was it so comforting? </p><p> </p><p>“Hyunjin you’re—“ shut up, Chan. </p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin grabbed Chan’s wrist, dragging him out. Where to? He wasn’t sure. He just knew he needed to leave the vicinity. Leave this area. Go somewhere safe. </p><p> </p><p>“Hyunjin, slow down what’s going on?” Chan tried to yank back. </p><p> </p><p>Maybe this was fine. This was fine. </p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin stopped, turning to look down at Chan’s wrist that had reddened in Hyunjin’s grip. He didn’t mean to do that. </p><p> </p><p>“Hey…”</p><p> </p><p>“It wasn’t an accident.” </p><p> </p><p>Why was he telling him—</p><p> </p><p>“What are you talking about?”</p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin bit down against his lip, he wanted the ring back so badly. Why hadn’t he put it back in yet? </p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry.” Hyunjin felt so much pressure in his chest, “it wasn’t an accident.”</p><p> </p><p>Chan looked hurt, no it was concern. </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, Minho took my keychain but...I had already taken tons of pills before I called anyone. I noticed it had gone missing way before I...I don’t know why I used the keychain. I didn’t want it to look intentional I guess I don’t know...”</p><p> </p><p>“What are you talking about?”</p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin took a shallow breath. He was suffocating. </p><p> </p><p>“I took a few pills and I think I just had a panic attack I think? I didn’t want anyone to save me. I don’t know why I called anyone…”</p><p> </p><p>Chan had either hand at Hyunjin’s face, thumbs caressing away stubborn tears. </p><p> </p><p>“I didn’t want anyone to find me. I didn’t want…”</p><p> </p><p>Why didn’t he love Chan the way Chan loved him? Why couldn’t he? Chan wasn’t Seungmin. Why was Hyunjin treating him like his dead best friend? </p><p> </p><p>“Hyunjin...do you want to sit down? Do you need anything?”</p><p> </p><p>Why couldn’t he just love Chan? </p><p> </p><p>Yeah, Chan had done something stupid to get Hyunjin’s attention. Chan tried to guilt Hyunjin into being with him, right? Was he doing it now? Hyunjin didn’t know. He had no fucking idea. </p><p> </p><p>“Chan…”</p><p> </p><p>“Hyunjin I’m not going anywhere. I’m here with you. I’m right here.” Chan’s fuzzy sweater sleeve felt warm against his cheek. Chan’s fingers were so warm. He was so warm.   </p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin reached a hand to cup around Chan’s, “I’m sorry...I’m so sorry.”</p><p> </p><p>“Shush, you’re fine. You’re okay.” Chan wasn’t too apathetic. He wasn’t. He was a good person. He did something horrible to get Hyunjin’s attention, but he genuinely liked him. Hyunjin could see it all over Chan’s face. Chan loved him. </p><p> </p><p>“If I killed myself, what would you do?”</p><p> </p><p>Chan stilled, fingers so warm and shaky at his cheeks. </p><p> </p><p>“Chan?”</p><p> </p><p>Chan didn’t seem able to find words as his eyes watered. The way he sucked in his bottom lip, and the way his face contorted. Chan cared. Chan cared a lot. </p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin took a deep breath, “I don’t want to hurt you.”</p><p> </p><p>“Stop...it’s okay.” Chan’s voice was so broken. Hyunjin wasn’t sure he’d ever heard so much emotion behind his voice. It was cracking. He was cracking. </p><p> </p><p>“Chan I don’t think I love—“</p><p> </p><p>“It’s okay.” Chan was trembling, “just...don’t leave, okay? I’ll...there’s lots of things to stay for. Lots.”</p><p> </p><p>“if I ever did it, what would you do?”</p><p> </p><p>Chan couldn’t look at him anymore, he averted his gaze, tears sliding down his cheeks and jaw. Hyunjin wasn’t sure he could handle that. </p><p> </p><p>“I don’t know.”</p><p> </p><p>“You love me, right?” Hyunjin felt like he was manipulating Chan. He didn’t like the feeling. </p><p> </p><p>“I do…” Chan’s hands moved from Hyunjin’s face, fingers twitching. </p><p> </p><p>“You wouldn’t hurt yourself if I left, would you?” Hyunjin whispered, “you hurting yourself before was...you didn’t mean it.”</p><p> </p><p>Chan didn’t face him. Couldn’t. Hyunjin felt like he was handling this wrong. Felt like everything he was saying was wrong. </p><p> </p><p>“Chan.”</p><p> </p><p>“I love you so much.” Hyunjin’s heart nearly snapped. The way those words rolled off of Chan’s tongue, the way the elder man was shaking before him, tears leaving his jaw and smacking the concrete beneath them. He didn’t like the sight. He didn’t, “I don’t want you to leave. I don’t...you can’t.”</p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin took a deep breath before closing the gap of space between them, arms wrapping around Chan’s back, face resting against his shoulder. </p><p> </p><p>Chan crying wasn’t anything he hadn’t seen before. But this felt different. Chan was…he was breaking down. Hyunjin had never seen or felt so much emotion from this man. Not like this. Chan was crumbling at the shit Hyunjin was telling him. Hyunjin had his answer. Chan was so dependent upon him for some reason. If Hyunjin left…</p><p> </p><p>“Chan...I’m sorry.”</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t go, please?” Chan had shakily wrapped his arms around Hyunjin’s waist, breath shallow against Hyunjin’s ear, “don’t...l can help. I’ll do everything I can to help just please…”</p><p> </p><p>Chan probably would kill himself if Hyunjin left. And maybe Jisung really would break up with Minho. And maybe Felix would never forgive Minho either, or Chan—if he hadn’t offed himself. </p><p> </p><p>What benefit came from leaving? The silence? The nothingness? Would he see Seungmin? </p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin gave Chan a tight squeeze. Hyunjin wasn’t sure what he was feeling. What he’d been feeling for a long time. </p><p> </p><p>Would he kill himself? </p><p> </p><p>Or would he live on? </p><p>——</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks for sticking and reading this series 💛 thanks for sticking with me period.</p><p>I’m sad it’s over. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>  A L S O </p><p>I don’t know why on earth I have to do this but please do not reupload my work under any circumstances. If you’d like to for any reason please message me first, do not reupload my work. If you see my works on wattpad please report them, I will never grant permission for wattpad.<br/><a href="https://mobile.twitter.com/skzorcism">Twitter</a><br/><a href="https://curiouscat.me/Str4y">Curious Cat</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>